Lamb and Frog

Sometime during its first year on the air Shannon the Textile Goddess said of King of the Hill, “I’ve watched that show…it’s not funny at all.” To which I responded, “It’s hilarious…of course maybe you have to live it to get it.”

Dudes, I live it pretty much every day. Last Friday was one of the more entertaining examples. It all started when I had to put my VW wagon in the shop and was forced to run errands in our other ‘vehicle’…the one I call the ‘Redneck Monster Truck’. It’s a Ford F-250 Super Duty Diesel with a full crew cab and a (thank God, could this freakin’ truck get any bigger) short bed. Yeah, it’s 4-wheel drive with a tool box in the back. No gun rack and no running lights (despite repeated pleading from its regular driver), but nevertheless not what you want to drive for a quick jaunt to the public library on a weekday.

Of course, the library is exactly where I needed to be on Friday. As I pulled into the parking lot, the minivan driving soccer moms were glaring at me like I was the antichrist. I thought I was going to get flattened by all-terrain strollers on the way into the building. They must’ve thought better of it though because, they had kids in tow and I did not (which meant I was going to be leaving the library first) and unless they wanted me to ’squash van like bug’ they had better not screw with me.

The thing about driving a truck like this is that…it affects you. It literally alters your personality. By the time I got home (I had to stop and get a current issue of Rolling Stone too), the peace-loving tree-hugger had left the building and had been replaced with…someone from Hee Haw (but not one of those well-endowed, smooth-haired ladies in hot pants…more like the frizzy-haired, bathrobe-wearing nag with the ironing board and the cast-iron skillet).

So, when I drive up and see Bill (the DH) and John (the neighbor) digging a stump out of John’s front yard, do I offer to bring them some ice water? Hell no! I pull up and yell out the window, “Throw a chain around that sucker and let’s rip ‘er the hell out of there!” Boys being boys, they decided to throw caution (and the hand tools) to the wind and git ‘er done. At which point I decided “My work here is done.” and abandoned the driver’s seat to watch the carnage supervise the effort.

First, the Redneck Monster Truck must be reprogrammed (no, that’s not a typo) from ‘go fast’ mode to ‘torque’ mode (according to Bill). Now, while I would argue about the accuracy of the term ‘go fast mode’ with respect to the monster truck’s ability to ‘get up and go’, there’s no arguing that the truck has some serious torque (it can pull the hell out of really heavy stuff). While we’re waiting for the programmer to transform the monster truck from a NASCAR Truck Series contender to a tank, I decide that this ‘event’ has some serious potential—it’s either going to be great promotional material for Ford, or it’s got a shot at the big money on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Good blogger that I am, I went to get the camera.

So, while Bill re-programs the truck:

And John wraps the chain around the stump (note the position of the stump in the center of the hole):

We banter about the things that could go wrong…things like, the roots being so long they end up ripping out a big chunk of the sidewalk or the other neighbor’s railroad ties, or John’s other (living) tree. Or maybe the front end falling off the truck. My response: “That’s OK…it’s got full coverage. With any luck you two will total the sucker and we can buy something reasonable.” We (well the boys) take a few swigs of liquid fortification:

Put the truck o’ doom into reverse and pull! I think it moved…

Yup…it moved. They kept yanking (with the truck) and it kept moving, but it also kept moving back to its original position. A pry bar, a pick, a hand ax, some shovels, and

an electric chainsaw (or maybe that’s a hedge trimmer…what the hell do I know) later…

The stump is now definitely not in the center of the hole:

But we have had carnage (two beers’ worth):

It is decided we need to “improve the angle of attack.”

Which results in…

cleavage! So now we have two stumps! One chainsaw/hedge trimmer-induced ‘adjustment’ later…

and we have a confirmed kill:

And we have a really green ’stump part two’ still firmly entrenched in one side of the hole. So we pull and we pull and we pull some more…

And the boys decide “Screw it, let’s burn the rest of it out.” I officially declare “Stump Wars” a draw and the boys break out the firewood. The fire is a magnet to the little boys (who are now all home from school/daycare) and the big ones, which results in an improptu (but relatively tame compared to the last one) block party. It also results in some drive-by glares from neighbors on the next block that were on a par with those I was getting at the library. We weren’t visited by the cops or the fire department, so I guess no one was too peeved (and it was an “OK to Burn” day and we did have a fire extinguisher and a hose nearby). The stump is gone now, but I have what I hope are semi-permanent soot marks on my carpet (I have no idea how they got there). Oh well, what can you do?

So now you know what pre-empted FO Friday…well that and I’ve been a crap-knitting slacker. I have FOs…but they’re boring.